Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The NFL: Not just for fat, drunk, biggots anymore


This guy could beat the shit out of Jack Burkman

I'm not gay but, I did go to a liberal arts college in New Mexico.
Recently, college football star Michael Sam has gotten super famous for being a half-decent football player and a world class homo. I couldn't have cared less about the NFL or the gayness of it's newest player until: DC Lobbyist Jack Burkman decided to be a GIANT ASSHOLE by drafting a bill to ban gay players in the NFL. While I still don't really care about professional football, I do care about calling out assholes.
Burkman said in a statement.”We are losing our decency as a nation, imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man." Ewww gross! I want my sons forced to shower with a room full of naked straight dudes, NOT some FAGGOT! Burkman went on to say that football is about heterosexual men in tight pants, grabbing each other and wrestling one another to the ground, eventually ending up in writhing pile of pent up aggression, nothing gay about it. 

I'm not gay but, bus stations in North Philadelphia are scary at night when you're all alone. 
Jack "Pinky" Burkman even went as far as to say “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it".  Burkman apparently could  have used a little help finding his values in June of 2006 when he tried to pay young girls for sex. The exposure eventually led to evidence that Burkman had been seeing prostitutes when his number appeared in the DC Madam's phone records. What a fuckin' hypocrite! I could almost overlook his lack of morals if he wasn't such a judgmental bag of dicks. To his credit Burkman was having illegal sex with women, at least he's no queer. 

Now I'm not gay but, I have been accused of putting on chapstick pretty suggestively.
I think that rather than the NFL ignoring 1 openly gay player and the (statistically speaking) 84 gay players in the closet, the Nation Football League needs to embrace its diversity.  I'm not gay but, I do like French Techno and artisan cheese. Maybe the NFL needs to reconsider it's commercials, I look forward to seeing half-time commercials selling Brie cheese with Daft Punk Playing in the background. Toast up the baguette, Saint André® will help you "Get Lucky". Or maybe start selling more commercial time to IKEA, Coca-Cola and The GAP that have actual gay commercials instead of vaguely homoerotic Miller 64 commercials.

I'm not gay but, 20 bucks is 20 bucks, and no one likes to pay for drinks. 
Maybe what the NFL really needs to do is change the way it goes through it's recruiting process. Have you seen gay dudes recently? Every gay man I know spends 20 hours a week in the gym and looks like they are cut out of solid fucking GRANITE! The NFL should have permanent recruiting centers in San Francisco and Rehoboth Beach. People used to call gay dudes "sissy" and "limp-wrist" now it's 2014 and gay men look like you could smash a chair over their backs like pro wrestlers. Gay men used to be adorable, now they are all terrifying and muscly. Now imagine 11 massive dudes (with perfect skin) sprinting down field ready to crush one teeny tiny wide receiver.

In the Gay community this is what's referred to as a "Smallish Man"

I'm not gay but, I do shop at Lowes for my home and garden supplies. 
The NFL should also remember that when there are 2 men with careers and no kids, they have tons of extra cash to spend on stuff that I could only dream of. 
          "Honey could we use a third 68 inch TV for our penthouse apartment?"
          "Sure, it will go with our imported mahogany bedroom set." 
That's sooo gay. 
Apparently the gays are too busy acquiring mutual funds and getting totally ripped to worry about lacking values. I still don't care about the NFL but I do know that the catering will be way better at a gay Super Bowl party, so pass the Chilean wine and tapas I'M READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sugar: The Original Performance Enhancing Drug

There are people that will tell you that refined, white -ethnically cleansed- cane sugar is poison and you shouldn't eat any. These same sugar-hating fun police will think nothing of losing toenails because they just ran an ultra marathon. I have even been told that "cane sugar is addictive". ADDICTIVE? REALLY??? I've never sucked a dick in an alley near 12th & Walnut for sugar cubes.
Face it, sugar is a miracle of nature and the fact that we can harvest these granulated joy-crystals is proof that (insert deity) wants humans to be happy.
I enjoy sugar but I will admit that I wish things were less sweet. We need to eat sugar in moderation and not just replace it with chemicals that trick our brains into thinking we had sugar.  Artificial sweeteners replace real sugar with what I'm pretty sure is poison and somehow makes stuff more sweet?! FUCK THAT. I'm willing to trade a bucketful of cancerous lab rats for a soda that contains 30% less sugar.  A 30% reduction in sugar would bring a Red Bull down to 18grams per can.  The 65 grams of sugar in a 20oz Coca-Cola literally weigh more than the skewers in my road bike!!! A 30% decrease in that 20oz bottle would still be 45.5 grams (1 1/2 ounce) of sugar which would still be considered a fuckload by the sugar haters and yet still not enough for most 'Muricans.

It is with the dual position of both loving sweet things and wanting more moderation that I review (and state my love) of KIND bars "Dark chocolate and sea salt" and Madagascar vanilla almond".
Kind bars can be found lots of places but the best selection is in your local Whole Foods Market. You will likely need help finding the KIND bars since Whole Foods carries about 1276 different food-type bars scattered throughout the store. this makes finding KIND bars similar to an organic, grass-fed, easter egg hunt led by an emaciated vegan. Once you have been led to the KIND bar section be sure to ask the vegan which bars are low sugar (he'll know exactly which ones). After your vegan has helped you select the lowest sugar and most plant-based KIND bar he will likely try to sell you a bunch of kale and a Vitamix blender, this is normal, just back away slowly.

My actual emaciated, Whole Foods vegan, Matt*

 The first thing you will notice while standing in line is that KIND bars actually look like things you would eat. Is that an almond in there? Fuck yeah it is! Many protein-food-meal-type bars look like they were extruded from a robot asshole, not KIND bars, they actually resemble food! 

Sure they look like food, how do they taste? Madagascar Vanilla has 4g of sugar, it tastes nutty and mildly sweet, the flavor is subtle and delicious. With only 4 grams of sugar it's a very low sugar snack assuming you don't immediately give in to the urge to shove 5 bars down your food-hole. Low sugar is no excuse to be a disgusting pig-man and it certainly doesn't mean low calorie, you still need self control and moderation, fatty.

Whoever came up with combination of dark chocolate and coarse sea salt should spend the rest of his life being carried on a golden throne and fellated by Mila Kunis. The nice folks over at KIND surely agreed with me when they decided to make the Dark Chocolate Nuts and Sea Salt bar. The DCNaSS has a mere 5g of sugar; how the fuck does this only contain 5 grams of sugar? This bar is off the chain! If I had to choose to save a bag of these bars or a bag of Puppies from sinking in a river I would end up with a full tummy and an empty sack. To quote "Flamin" Moe Szyslak "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited" I tried DCNaSS flavor with apprehension because I thought it may be too sweet, boy was I wrong, like a monkey petting a kitty, it's just right.

Dark nuts? Yes please!

Could I eat these 2 flavors every day? Maybe I would eventually get bored, just like I'll eventually get bored of XBOX, beer and hand jobs, maybe. So what happens when I do get bored of my two flavors? I recently spoke to a KIND Bar sales rep (let's call him Chad since I forgot his name) and Chaz told me that there are four new low sugar flavors coming out in 2014, Thanks Chet! 
KIND bars: taste phenomenal, low sugar, gluten free (if you give a shit) and it's made with ingredients you can pronounce; eat them and be judgmental about other people's food choices!

*Matt enjoys a plant based diet, riding bicycles faster than me, and multi-hour tantric sex sessions.

Trashtags and Hashtags

Friday, November 29, 2013

Dear bike shops, cut the shit.

Dear shops with berber carpet and "bike shop bathrooms".
It's time to cut the shit and start growing up. Almost every shop I go into is thoroughly unimpressive. I go into a lot of shops too, big  chain shops, independent shops and boutique-y douche bag shops, I go into shops that have employees that are "too good" to make eye contact. I make it a point to go into different shops -always announcing my presence- and look down upon my industry peers. Almost every shop follows the same bullshit pattern.  Lazy merchandising with as much shit crammed per square inch as possible, while letting halo product like $11,000 Project-S-Black-California dictate the overall impression your shop makes. Typically the shops are staffed by a few knowledgeable people and a bunch of total clowns. Guess what? You can sell S-Works and PinaGucci but your sales floor still looks like spandex diarrhea. 
I've left shops thinking to myself: "what a crap-hole, I've kept captives in nicer places" then proceeded to go home and feed my detainees dog food, Purina dog food.
So who cares? I'm just some asshole on the internet that pissed off Cervëlo. You care Mr bike shop owner. If you have ever even once price matched ANYTHING  to the nashbars or had one customer bring in a 90% assembled bike in a box, YOU BETTER FUCKING CARE. In the 90s when internet porn was still dialing up at 28.8 kbps and Ross was still bangin' Rachel, shops could be grungy holes where so-called "master" mechanics could build your wheels in solitude, that doesn't cut it anymore. It's 2014 (model year) and you can stream coaching sessions directly to your power device in the comfort of your home. You can buy parts from China at damn near dealer cost and watch a YouTube video showing you how to install it. You can even download an app that will tell you how to fit your bike. (Side note: internet bike fits DIRECTLY cause erectile dysfunction.)  Did the internet kill bike shops? Yeah, the internet killed off more than 1000 really shitty bike shops nationally between 2008 and 2012 and, it threatens to kill the remaining 4000+ shops too if you don't cut the shit and be better.

Don't try and be the best bike shop either, that's like being the best Cincinnati sports team; climb a bigger mountain.Look for inspiration at successful companies that don't sell bikes. I went into Lululemon to check out their merchandising and, cute girls in tight pants. After my rager went to a half-chub I also went to Anthropologie. The first thing I noticed in both places is that they SMELLED good, not like tires or body odor. The second thing I noticed was the merchandising was nothing like bike shops. Both Lulu and Anthropologie  have stacks of things, which means you see a thing on a size 2 mannequin and think "that's what I want to look like" then pick up the folded pants that correspond to your actual ass size, brilliant! As a matter of fact I went to lots of stores with stacks of things and, EVERY one was staffed with employees that made eye contact.
So basically if bike shops are going to survive you need to stop acting like bike shops for "bikers" and start providing concierge service to everyone.  If you want your bike shop to keep on existing do simple things like: opening the damn door when someone is walking up to the shop with a bike, taking a heavy box out to the car for the double-amputee single moms or even, just acknowledging my existence when I come in and start flipping shifters on $10,000 bikes. You don't have anything better to do, I don't give a shit if you are eating lunch and I assure you that my credit card is as good here as it is in the bike shop a mile down the road.
The easiest way to get into the habit of not being a total prick to the people that are keeping food on your table is to just pretend they are all your grandmother, "oh let me get that for you grandma, you shouldn't be carrying that" or "let me explain how all these buttons work, this technology is fairly complex". Don't fall back on"The internet won't fix your bike" mentality either, it only means that when your customers go to ANOTHER BIKE SHOP you have no one to blame but yourself because you didn't merchandise better, you didn't sell better and you smelled like a bus station bathroom.

I don't have a good end to this rant so I'll end with a picture of a kitty instead

Saturday, November 23, 2013

An Apology to Canadians and other sensitive minorities.

I received a lot of heat after some comments I made in several blog posts recently. In response I have made a few changes to this blog, further removing these writings from my personal life. Additionally, I would like to issue a public apology to all offended parties.

I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. I'm sorry that your internet safe search did not filter out "moustache ride" as too offensive, which it is. I'm sorry that you confused a blog called sunday morning moustache ride for The New Yorker.  I am sorry that you found references to "your mother" under "reasons why I have a glass coffee table" too repugnant. I am sorry if you felt references to your country of origin or lifestyle choices crossed the line.  In short, I'm sorry that you took me seriously.

My blog is not designed to single out and ridicule any one group or person, instead I have chosen to joke about everyone.  The ONLY exception is Mike Sinyard, I will not make any jokes about Mike because, I'm pretty sure he is a Sith Lord and could kill me with his mind.

You shall spend the rest of your days working in a Performance Bike, yesss.

I am thrilled that my writing has elicited such a strong response. Until recently I was unaware of the power that my words could have. I was unaware of the reach that my tiny blog could have (Czech Republic? Really?). I never grew up wanting to be a writer, or an asshole, but now I'm BOTH! Someday I may turn these words into paychecks, but I doubt it, I still don't want to be a writer when I grow up, I'm just too good at being an asshole to stop.

So please accept this sincere apology (or don't) and go ride your bike.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Make your big fat head faster

I'm not blind, I have seen the huge influx of aero helmets into the peloton. In 2013 we have seen some of the best riders in the sport of cycling (not exactly winning) with flashy new aerodynamic helmets. Tom Boonen,Tyler Farrar, and most of Orica Green Edge as well as several other prominent riders are all crushing it with aero lids.

SARCASM SIDEBAR: Cavendish did actually take the win on day 2 of Three Days of De Panne

Cav explains that he is ready to fist Sagan, while Andre Greipel's helmet is just not aero enough

If you are anything like me you see this new trend as a welcome change. I have the aero road bike, I have the 808 tubulars glued up with the 21c dimpled tires, I even wear my camelbak on my chest under my jersey on every ride. I am using Rock 'n' Roll Gold lube exclusively after seeing the friction facts test results. (I have worked all the yaw angles in my basement wind tunnel and I am sick and tired of having to work harder simply to overcome the watts lost to my comically over-sized face. It's gotten so bad that I have even started to actually train most some of the winter, to try and get faster. 
Thanks to a new UCI rule, all equipment used by pro riders has to be available to consumers within nine months of it's premier. NINE MONTHS? That's bullshit, I have Tuesday night group rides to win starting in less than one month.  Riding my bike seems like the worst way to get faster on my bike and really, who has the time? As an American I feel that I should be able to buy some watts RIGHT NOW. I may have forgotten all about aero helmets in less than nine months so I have enlisted the help of my babysitter and aerodynamics engineer Chad to build me an aero helmet for use immediately.

Chad hard at work in my basement wind tunnel

If I still can't win with Chad's AeRoad helmet I will probably just start doping; I'm pretty sure they aren't pee testing the CAT 5's at my local crit. My only real fear about doping is that the new injections may react negatively with my current drug regimen, which increases my testicle size and makes my bike rides look like this:

Shiny snake-face smells like purple, take these Gu Chomps out of my nostril.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Review of New Cervelo R5 California press release

Originally published March of 2013
I removed this post because My Cervelo rep almost  got me fired because "the upper management wasn't happy" about my blog but, now I am no longer associated with Cervelo so I am putting it back up along with the apology that I never posted.

Almost 6 months ago
I was riding bikes with the Cervelo sales manager for the Eastern half of North America and he said "we are working on a new R5 California, it's gonna be awesome" when I tried to get a little bit more info, all I got was a snide comment about how Trek thinks their new Madone is so aero.  Considering the $10,000 price tag of an R5ca I was interested to see the new tech but not likely to sell one so, R5ca went to the waaaay back of my mind.

In the past few days I have gotten several interesting emails from Cervelo, not me personally, they don't know or give a shit about my blogThe first was letting me know that Phil White was getting a second job (times are tough all over) as the Innovation Officer of the Pon Bicycle Group. Phil will be using his extra paycheck for Rogaine -so he doesn't end up looking like Gerard Vroomen- and Poutine, because he's Canadian.

White, checking the Laminar flow of the S5 was heard saying "she's got a real set of balls on her".

The second and more interesting email was one that had details about the supposedly Trek embarrassing R5 California. Included in this email was a warning not to disseminate any contained information until 9am today so Bikerumor tactfully waited until 9:00:07 to blow the lid off the new bike. The post is filled with charts and graphs and absolutely no dick jokes, so that makes my post better than theirs.
The new R5 is lighter by 8 grams! BOOOM!
If 8 grams alone does not justify the price: the new R5 gets more aero. According to figure 16 (not  shown here) the new r5 goes from 24 down to 9ish, that's pretty impressive considering that doesn't qualify those numbers and they could mean ANYTHING! ALSO BOOM! These new squovals will save you ten watts over a normal road bike, which may qualify them as super-squovals.


In the sell sheet above Cervelo uses several fun made-up phrases that I will attempt to explain below.
  • Future proof: You can use your garbage mechanical shifting now and someday in the future if you can afford bike parts again, your frame can accommodate electronic shifting. Side note; I have a Dremel and will "Future Proof" any other Cervelo for about $200.
  • 3M Powerlux Composite (TM): The claim of "inter-laminar shear and compression strength" should mean a frame that you cant tear in half but, you probably weren't going to do that anyway.
  • Limited edition Light Transit bag: That's right, buy a $10,000 frame and you get a sweet ass lightly padded, polyester travel bag AND water bottle. Free bag just buying a frame? Thanks Obama! This will also allow douchy bike salesmen to say "buy this $10,000 bag and get a free bike",  I said it first anyone else who says it is infringing on copywrite.
Other notable improvements include internal cable routing to piss off your mechanic, and an internal magnet for your power meter crank, which is actually brilliant.
Indicated in my emails (but not on the internet) there will only be 325 frames made and, presumably only 325 bags.   The new R5 starts shipping in 4 days, unless you want a 51,58, or 61 in which case you are waiting until August.

As a bonus I have included a picture of what Gerard Vroomen sees when he looks in the mirror

"Ziss peecture eez totally unrelateed to ze rest of ziss blog post"